Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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