Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
