I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
