You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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