some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
