My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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