Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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