I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
smell my finger.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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