Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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