idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
