at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
