Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
