Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
