So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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