my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
