I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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