I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
