I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
