watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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