Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
another moral hangover. fuck.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
