John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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