i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
