just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
And then he peed in my hair
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