I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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