I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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