chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
