he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
