im holly from the hills drunk
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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