after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
