You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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