there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
