also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
