idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
