did you get engaged???
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
