New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
