I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
