If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
