Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
