Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
