Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
