I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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