Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
