You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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