Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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