my mouth tastes like poor choices
I think my fart just growled at me.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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