so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
