she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
i need some magic done to my vagina
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
