I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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