I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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