While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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