so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
