cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
