Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She bit a glass in half.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
